totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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