While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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