im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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