drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
