you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
