I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
