apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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