i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
