Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
