i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
i believe in u and ur pee
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