I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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