Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Just cropdusted the office
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
