I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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