During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
