The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
You can't special order awesome
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
