the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
