I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
