you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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