Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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