look no pants
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
