ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
