This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
