i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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