She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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