are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
