I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Randomize
