All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I still have a little drunk in my system
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
