The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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