i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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