He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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