if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
