did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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