Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
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I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
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I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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