Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
