So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
