when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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