so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
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The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
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All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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