Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
