Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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