Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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