it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
