I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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