He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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