you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
