seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
