I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
