He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
