you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I am puke
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I need to align my fucking chakras
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
