what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
