if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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