last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
