I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
