I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
