That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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