Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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