Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
