This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Randomize
