You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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