FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
