You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
