The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
sarcasm needs its own font
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
as a side note pls kill me
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
